Cloudy Day

Cloudy Day

I haven’t written since we had to turn down our referral in November.  The fact of the matter is that I’m just having a bad attitude about the whole thing.  This isn’t every day.  Some days are great and I’m filled with faith and joy, waiting as long as it takes for God to move His hand on our behalf.  But today is not one of those days.  So I thought, “Hey, this is a perfect day to set my fleeting thoughts forever on our webpage for all the world to see!” Not because people love a bad attitude, but because those of you who are reading this because you are on your own adoption journey understand; it’s life.  And it brings doubts and cursing and frustration.  I just want to be real here, more than anything, to help everyone feel justified in their own emotions and struggles.  We’re all in the same boat, fellow adopters.  One being tossed about by unseen waves and shadowed sometimes by months-long clouds.  Will the sky clear up?  Absolutely.  Will the waves calm?  You’re darn tootin’.  But let’s spend a moment in Sarah’s brain for a moment, because today really sucks.

Two months ago we had to turn down a child because she was too needy for our family’s ability level.  I hate writing that.  Hate it.  But them’s the facts.  A month ago I began to prepare for Christmas and travel and vacation.  All was well.  Happy times.  A referral at that point would have been a bit of a nuisance since we were about to get on the road, so I was actually somewhat relieved that it didn’t come.  (Please do not take this too deeply, as any referral at any time will have us happily canceling any preceding obligations)  So then we came back from our vacation.  And I unpacked our clothes.  Did the laundry.  Cleaned the living room.  Took down the Christmas lights and tree.  Packed the holiday stuff and put it in the attic.  Vacuumed up bits of tinsel.  …   ……    ……..     …found a misplaced ornament and added it to the packed boxes.  …sat down.  …had some tea…..

After all of my stuff was taken care of I just sat around for a couple of days and got some much needed rest.  But then it started to haunt me; when will we get our next referral?  The first one came so fast.  It’s okay, Sarah.  Russia is on holiday too.  There’s probably no one even in the offices there this week.  But then the question would come right back; when will we ever meet this little girl we are waiting for?  Then the self pity starts up.  We have been in this process, full boar, since the fall of 2009.  It just turned 2012.  This makes it sound like three years!  It’s not been three years.  It’s been two years and three months.  But when you are in self pity mode, it’s three long years.  I just want to cry sometimes.  We have waited long enough.  There’s just silence on the other side of the ocean.  And the thing is, we have prepared ourselves to wait for up to two years based on the advice of our agency.  (we’ve waited four months since that advice) That’s why days like this are so bad.  Let them add up and they could overtake you and leave you writhing in a sad little puddle on the ground.  And with two years of possible waiting ahead, letting days like this add up would be a very bad idea.  So I will take care to bind up all of this sorrow by tomorrow or the next day.  But for now I want to be real with you and just sort of bask in it.  This is just how it feels.  If adoption is similar to pregnancy, then I am starting my tenth trimester.  That’s a lot of friggin’ waiting!  So here’s the other problem; I have a stack of paperwork that needs to be done when the next referral comes.  It’s surprisingly big, considering the amount we’ve already had to do.  But I in no way intend to complete it because I’m pouting.  If the adoption won’t come to me, why should I go to it?  Isn’t this immature sounding?  Geez.  But that’s my mental state for now.  I have had this stack sitting in a digital file in my computer since early December and I still just want to cry every time I think about going through it.  I have adoption books to read and Russian language to practice.  Won’t have any part of it this week.  It’s hard to think about it without feeling all torn up over whether or not it will ever actually come to pass.

So I’m going back to my tea.  And maybe to take a nap.  And try to think about happy things like Star Wars or Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs.  We’ll revisit this whole adoption thing when I feel stronger.  Or when the referral comes unexpectedly and I’m like, “Oh, crap!  I have all that paperwork to do still!”

Leave a Reply